The Adventures of a 35yo (Alcohol) Virgin

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hit counter At 35 years old, I had never tasted, tried or drank an alcoholic drink of any kind. During 2012 that all changes drink by drink and you get to enjoy the results post by post.

Permalink the-absolute-funniest-posts: blameaspartame: honk honk beep beep This post has been featured on a 1000notes.com blog. Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeee weeeeeee weeeeeeeeeee weeeeeeee
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Goodbye, old friend…

So, I just learned that my local drinking haunt, The Blue Banana is no more. Great bar, great people, so many firstdrinks… it was ground zero to my 2012 Adventures. DC has lost a great local bar, but the memories remain.

I’ll be pulling together a “best of the blue banana” post sometime later this weekend, but until then, enjoy this moment of silence… (…)

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Nick Kroll is a genius.

However, Kroll Show is the worst thing on TV.

Worse than Duck Dynasty. Worse than My Boys. Worse than Anger Management.

I might need to start drinking again. Heavily.

Permalink vangoghismyboyfriend: So me Well, less “nervous” and more anxious. And less “breakdown” and more interlude. I’ll be back sooner than later. Promise.
Permalink Oh lord, is it New Years already? ughhhhhh. It should go without saying that I went 35 actual years without ever taking a single sip or drink of alcohol. So it shouldn’t be some huge crazy shock that I’m not following the rules (my own) and I’m not only not drinking tonight (that’s not my Yuengling, it’s Joe’s) I’m also not blogging and/or waxing poetic tonight about drinking or the blog. Not. I have a few last drinks to get, a few blogs to still post. I’ll get around to them. Don’t worry. DON’T WORRY!! In the meantime, enjoy my smug cold-medicine-induced face on this chilly DC NYE night. You’re welcome. Cheers and Happy New Year! Ben
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Ohio is For Lovers (and Drinkers)

I’m back from Ohio with 3 new posts to write instead of 5. I suck. Oh the Holidays. So I have to pen a few back-logged posts, get the Ohio posts written and then re-schedule/Skype the 2 remaining. I blame the alcohol. I was warned. I was warned.

Cheers,
Ben

Permalink The sweet burn of fine southern strawberry moonshine as experienced with the No Call No Show Podcast boys - pt.2  Where we shamelessly discuss the band Creed, the perverse notion of “human clay”, how Michael’s mom actually listens to these shows (much like my own mom) and more general alcohol adventure highjinks. Oh and I get slightly introspective and sappy. But fuck that shit, right? Damn moonshine getting me all mushy and crap. I’m currently (literally) on the road to Ohio where I will be completing about 4 more final drinks on the Adventure so be looking forward to those. I’ll also be posting my special “pregnant” edition of my “The Co-worker” final 10 post… get ready for that one. Until then enjoy pt.2 of the No Call No Show Podcast: http://nocallnoshow.podbean.com/2012/12/19/ncns-episode-68-pt2-strawberry-midnight-moonshine Cheers and Happy Holidays!!! Ben
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Holiday Boozing: Warning Delays Ahead

The holidays and trying to write my blog are not jiving.

JIVING - present participle of jive (Verb)
Verb
1. Perform the jive or a similar dance to popular music.
2. Taunt or sneer at.
3. Connecting, collaborating.

So while the drinking-for-the-blog will end in the New Year, blogging the drinks pre-New Year will go a bit into January. Got that? Good.

You’re welcome.

Cheers,
Ben

Permalink Junior Johnson’s Strawberry Midnight Moonshine12.9.2012The No Call No Show PodcastDoes everyone hate their voice on the radio? Yeah? Ok good, then I’m not alone. Auuugh, I hate hearing my wretched voice recorded. Insanely.That aside, feel free to enjoy my husky, squeeky scratch of a voice on my 2nd (and final?) visit with the No Call No Show guys, Daniel and Michael, HERE where we chatter on their podcast on about a dozen or so topics in this Pt.1 of a upcoming 2-parter coming out later this week.  Topics such as my first hangover, what I’ve learned about myself while involved in this insane little drinking project, the shame of knowing Creed songs, how many times I can drop the f-bomb in a conversation and much, much more.Oh, and we tried my very first—but I’m sure not last—taste of moonshine as we drank a little of Junior Johnson’s Strawberry Midnight Moonshine. SIDENOTE: Did you know that Junior Johnson was not only a famous moonshiner, but also one of the pioneers of NASCAR? Did you have any idea that moonshine was even connected to NASCAR? I bet you’re not shocked, but it’s all packed in the podcast. I love hanging out with Daniel and Michael. As one of my final drinks on the Adventure, I just couldn’t pass up another chance to sit down with them. They’re just fantastic guys with a great show and it’s always a pleasure spending time chatting about alcohol, DC and general bullshit with them. So enjoy Pt.1 of the podcast and my eye-watering reaction to some delicious strawberry moonshine. Classy, people. We’re always keeping it fucking classy.Cheers to the final 10…BenPS: Just wrapped my winter drink, “The Co-Worker” with my good buddy Anna at the POV rooftop bar at the W Hotel, overlooking the amazing views of historic DC. I’ll be putting that blog out later this week, as well as Pt.2 of this moonshine blog with the No Call No Show guys.
Permalink Bloody Maria & Eggnog 12.2.2012 No, not at the same time; I had them both a few hours apart. Don’t worry. It’s been a while, but if you’ll recall, my last drink prior to these two were during the massive bar crawl/drunken/hangover event from a few weeks ago. So, while nursing my very first—and terrible—hangover, I was promising God I would never drink again (not my first holy lie…) when Joe reminded me that we were due for brunch with our friends Amanda & Noah where I remembered there would be champagne and tequila. Oh and juices. It is brunch and all… So, I crankily poured myself into some jeans and a sweater and we fuzzy-headed over to brunch. There were pancakes, eggs, a few lbs of bacon, sausage and my first Bloody Maria. If you’re not familiar, a Bloody Maria is a Bloody Mary made with tequila instead of vodka. And between you and me, far better.The tequila adds a little something. A little sweetness, a little richness, a hint of tangy earthiness. I loved it. Noah also stirred in some fantastic spices made for Bloodies that really offered a bit of a peppery punch. Between the pepper and the sweet notes of the tequila, it really created some damn fine balance to offset the rich, creamy salty acidity of the Bloody tomato mixer. Seriously, truly fantastic.If you’ve never ventured to try Mary’s Mexican sister, you need to. At least once. I won’t tell Mary. Either will Maria. We promise.Thanks to Noah for the Bloody and to Amanda for the delicious, headache-curing brunch spread. It was the proper way to continue my weekend-long drinking streak and kick off Sunday just right.So with a little more pep in our walk, we headed back home after brunch, where Joe and I quickly fell into bed, only to take a very long nap. For what it’s worth, you should know that for me, typically, anything less than 2 hours is what I call a “snooze”. A nap implies at least 2-3 hours of blissful, restful dreaming. Don’t give me that look. I’m a hyperactive adult. The world gets a break when I take a nap. I should literally get paid to take naps. They’re good for everyone.So almost 4 hours later, Joe and I awoke only to realize we had kinda slept through the front end of our next drink & meal adventure with our good friends and blog regulars, Courtney & Jordan. You might recall that I’ve had a few drinks with Courtney & Jordan… at least 4-5 of them. Maybe more. They’re great Adventurists. I’m glad they were able to make a post for my final set of drinks. So, in anticipation of spending time with them that evening, I had made a crock-pot of buffalo chicken chili.  Wait. Stop. This is not a food blog. BUT… if it was. I would tell you the exciting tale of how ridiculous amazing this chili was. Dear lord. Hot, steaming, tangy-spicy buffalo chicken chili, complete with creamy blue cheese crumbles, fresh chopped carrots and celery, salty corn chips and cooling, zesty ranch dressing for toppings. But, again. Not a food blog. Sorry.So Jordan was kindly on deck to make homemade eggnog, complete with whiskey. So once we finally go there we were excited to see that Courtney’s sister Emma was there too to enjoy the night with us. Like her sister and brother-in-law, she’s just good, fun people.We ate delicious chili, played Scattergories and kinda sucked at Catchphrase and then we enjoyed some damn fine homemade eggnog.I LOVE eggnog. Always have. Always will. So rich and creamy, spicy and cool. I just can’t get enough. I don’t care about the brand, the time of year, I just want to drink my weight in this stuff. So I had no doubt that Jordan’s would be great, let alone the inclusion of one of my very favorites: whiskey. I was correct. So very correct. You could tell it was homemade, it was so fresh and rather light for being so rich. The whiskey was permeating the smell and the taste in the most fantastic way. It added a warmth I hadn’t anticipated but welcomed. It added some caramely notes that played will with the spices. It was pretty strong and it was a long, boozy weekend, otherwise, I would have asked for more than one glass. My mind was telling me yes, but my body was telling me no. So I only enjoyed one wonderful glass, but (and know this Jordan) I’m going to want more. Soon. Maybe even in the summer. So keep that family recipe handy. You’re not done yet. Sorry. But consider this your fair warning.At this point in the day, in the weekend, even with a 4 hour nap, my body was telling me to fuck myself. My liver has stopped speaking to me for hours now. My head was just fuzz. Fuzzy fuzz fuzz, actually. The hand, my arm, my elbow to my shoulder were all actually sore from all the lifting of drinks to my lips.My lips, actually, was the only one who was fine. Tongue too, I suppose. But the rest of my body had a meeting and overruled those two. Rather quickly. Poor things. Never had a chance.So we headed home and then poured myself out of my clothes into my birthday suit (you’re welcome visual thinkers!) and then back into the loving arms of my bed.The next day at work everyone would ask “How was your weekend!?” And I’d just grunt, smile and say “…far too boozy. thanks. yours?”  Some of them would smile. Some of them would shake their heads as a secret sort of handshake. All of them were amused.I like to amuse others. But my liver seems to hate the limelight. That’s Hollywood for ya.Cheers,BenPS: My final podcast with the No Call No Show boys came out yesterday and I’ll highlight the show and the post sometime tomorrow. Be looking for that.  I also enjoyed a wintery drink with “The Co-Worker” (my friend Anna) as one of my last drinks on the Adventure yesterday at one of the coolest, hottest and most beautiful bars in all of DC. Be looking for that post early next week. Until then…
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Radio Moonshine, Radio Ga Ga.

I’m pretty pumped right now. I’m about to head over to Nanny O’Briens shortly to tape my 2nd and final podcast show over at the No Call No Show with the chatty bartending boys, Michael & Daniel.  This is one of the final 10 I named “The Co-Hosts”.

My first visit was a great one (a 2-parter no less) and they asked me to come by one final time to talk drinking, blogging, and madness over my first taste of moonshine.

Dear lord, please let it be fruit flavored. With a beer back. And a juice chaser.

I’m bringing a toothbrush.

So I’ll let you all know when the podcast drops, but this is a great opportunity to catch up on some of my older posts and to hear my terrible radio voice. And by terrible I mean, not horrible, but I doubt anyone is going to call me to do voice-over or book-on-tape work. *sigh*

Cheers,
Ben

Permalink My first Bar Crawl - My first Public Drunkenness - My first HangoverHey, so please don’t make me recount ALL the drinks. Some, sure. But all 9-10? I just… I just can’t. Partially because I can’t remember and partially because I’m just not strong enough.And come’on, that’s not really why you’re here. You’re here because you probably heard that I not only attended my first pub crawl, and had 11 drinks in one single night—within 3 hours, actually—but… wait for it… a little longer… got drunk and then had my very first hangover.Let’s take a moment. I’m 36 and I got truly, honestly, solidly drunk for the first time and then—for me—thought I was going to kinda die on a Sunday morning. Not die-die, but wanted to kinda die. But let’s back this up a little and start around 6pm last Saturday night. Oh, come’on, indulge me.6:00pm - There I was, all decked out in my tacky Christmas sweater t-shirt (they make those now) and getting ready to walk down with Joe and the cousins to the Annual Official Tacky Christmas Sweater Bar Crawl in the DuPont Circle are of DC. It was a really mild night so I barely even needed a jacket.The night’s set-up is pretty simple: 11 bars and restaurants with drink specials all night for registrants. You get a wristband, a tacky plastic stein, and a map with all the bars and specials to enjoy from 6pm-2am. One fee and then no cover charges, food and drink discounts and hundreds of idiotic patrons wearing their Christmas worst, standing far too close, talking far too loud.7:30pm - Ok, so first we stopped at The Front Page to check in and get our jeery cheer items. Then it was on to James Hoban’s Irish Restaurant for a pint of Coors and their special “Christmas Shot”. The Coors was ok, kinda bland but still nicely cool and malty. It was a nice chugging beer—we had lots of places to hit, you know. And the shot was this weird mix of cranberry and firewater. Smooth but scorching, quick and tasty.Moving on, we then quickly hit up the next bar, DC Bread & Brew. Ok, we were in the basement. A basement that I can only describe as a highschool middle class basement. It smelled kinda musty, was over filled and the music was far, far to loud, albeit very fun to dance to.  It was here that I had drinks #3 & #4. A delightful cinnamon infused whiskey and coke and my first cherry vodka jello shot. The shot just tasted like tangy jello, but that infused cocktail?! Holy crap. SOOO good. So good. Spicy and smooth and rich and almost creamy. I loved that one. It was very Christmasy.Yes, Christmasy.8:30pm - And then it was on to drink #5, place number 3: the Irish Whiskey Public House. Here they had their “Christmas Cocktail”, made with—and don’t quote me—peppermint schnapps, chocolate vodka and Jäger. Just straight alcohol in a full tumbler. It tasted like an Andie’s Mint covered stick of licorice. I loved it. But by this point, I was apparently loving everything. The music, the artwork, that guy’s sweater, the peach smell of the urinal cakes. They smelled like real peaches when you pee’d on them! They were glorious. The night was super glorious. I mean, sure the ground was moving beneath my feet, but that’s normal right?! Woah, that wall just moved. Who cares! I love Tacky Christmas Bar Crawl! Where were we going next? Who cares! What are they serving?! I’m thirsty! So then we stopped into the Black Rooster where we got some mediocre nachos and I had two “shooters” or what I’d like to call, drinks #6 & #7. I remember loudly asking how shooters were different than shots and then just being glad they tasted like caramel apples. Mmmmmm. And what are THEY eating? That looks good over there. This music is great. Wait, this song SUCKS! Ugh. This dj sucks. Oh. I love this song. I have to pee. That bathroom doesn’t smell as nice, let’s get out of here…9:30pm - BOGO donuts and Krispy Kreme on the crawl?! Then let’s all buy 6! Yay! Nat and Chris loved this, Joe seemed indifferent. I want one of each. Oh, right, only 6. Ok. Hey, that guy has the same tacky Christmas sweater t-shirt as me! Lets get a picture! Where are we going now?! There are so many people SO MANY PEOPLE… what time is it, oh look those guys are dressed like Christmas trees… this night is awesome. I love Joe’s beard.DAmn, the Mad Hatter is a HUGE bar. Its all tiny outside and big and loud inside. I’ll take a vodka tonic, please. Drink #8. Mmmm, I love tonic. Ok, I’ll take another. This place is loud and busy. Oh, and the upstairs bar is being closed for a private party?! What?! That’s dumb. We have to leave? Whatever man. it’s cool. it’s cool. Whatevr.10:00pm - Oh my god, we are walking forever and I’m tired. What time is it? Where are we going? Oh, Maddy’s Bar & Grille. Oh fun, we’re meeting Nat & Chris’ friends Mike & Mary. They’re really nice. Are we still drinking? Ugh, they only have beer. I don’t want beer. I want a Tequila Sunrise. I want tequila. I love tequila. and it has a cherry! it’s hot in here. Yeah, I’ll take another. Did we order another? drinks #9 and #10? Maybe just #9? Who cares. ugh. why is it so hot? this t-shirt feels like a sweater. I’m so tired.Joe’s tired too, let’s grab a Uber and head home. I’m so excited to go home and see my bed. I love Joe. I need to tell him a few times. So he knows. So he never forgets. I love him.12:30am - I loooooove my bed. Love. Yay. Yay for my bed.ZZzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzZZZzzzzzzzzzzzz…7:00am - oh. fuck. what. is. happening. to. me. ?I’m dying. So this is it. This is a hangover. Oh dear lord. Your head really does pound. It really, truly does. I always thought it was just a phrase. Oh god, I need to stop thinking about things. It hurts. What will make this end? Prayer? Water? Coffee? More prayer?Does it matter if I wager that “I’ll never do this again, Lord!”? I’ve never done it before. I’ll literally never probably do it again, honestly. What else can I barter to make me less nauseous and for the room to stop spinning? The cats? My first born? My ability to whistle in perfect pitch? I’m game. Make it stop.Make. it. stop. Please. Water, vitamins, Advil, water; repeat. This was my breakfast. I’m not sure what else to say. It was pretty terrible. I felt my age. I mean, look, between my adult acne, my teenage-like swearing, pudgy dimples and hyperactive demeanor I often look like and feel like a much younger man. But that morning I was feeling 36, going on 80. That crap gets into your joints, your brain, and your brain. Oh, and into your brain.It was craptastic. Seriously, never again. NEVER AGAIN. Oh. We’re having brunch in a few hours with friends? Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s you say? Ok, let me get some more water, a Advil chaser and throw on some fresh clothes.I hope there’s pancakes.Cheers,BenNEXT UP: My first brunch Bloody Maria (tequila instead of vodka) and an evening with friends later that night to enjoy my first homemade eggnog w/ whiskey. Nope, I’m not evening kidding.
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The pub crawl into hangover blog is coming… not tonight, but it’s coming. Dear lord, I’m going to re-live it for you. Are you happy now?!  Well, are you?! Huh?!

Jerks.

Permalink Joined the Annual DC Tacky Christmas Sweater Bar Crawl and visited 9 bars in one night, enjoying 11 drinks. An Adventure first. Got a little drunk. And the photo represents my response to all the dumb “responsible drinking” rules posted at the crawl. Full blog coming soon. Get ready… PS: brunch drinks tomorrow and a dinner with friends that involves boozy eggnog. Saying goodbye to the blog is becoming crazy fun.
Permalink Try not to be too shocked, but it’s looking like I will be adding a few more pours & pounds to my final 10 drinks, which, if you know anything about math, means it’ll be more than 10 final drinks before this is all over.Stupid math.Yay for you, boo for my liver. In addition, I’ve already made a few adjustments to my final drinks. For one, I’m adding another friend to one of my final drink lists, that I’m now referring to as “The Author & The Artist” - bringing two of my high school friends together for one big drinkfest in my high school hometown of Bumfuck, Ohio. Only they could drag me back. And that’s saying something.Also, I’m adding a final drink with Jamie from the Blue Banana, as he’s been such a huge supporter and good friend. I’m letting him make me one last crazy-ass drink. ...What am I thinking?And there is talk of spiked eggnog this weekend with friends… a drink with some stalkers… drinks with my cousins… so yeah, the math is winning.  Stupid math.Cheers,Ben