The Adventures of a 35yo (Alcohol) Virgin

Red Bull & vodka

When preparing for any event you happen to be hosting, one must consider the environment necessary for success in both the setting and your level of engagement.

For example, if you’re hosting a delightful garden party, make sure to consider a actual garden setting complete with bright flowers at each table.  As for your level of engagement it should be easy and breezy, but grounded in solid, topical conversation.  So avoid politics and general items of an unsavory nature. Researching topics such as the flora and fauna of Begonias and the behavior patterns of fireflies are great places to start, however.

Now, if you’re hosting a Halloween party, this calls for an entirely different set of circumstances.  For instance, make sure the setting is filled with fun, yet spooky touches: cobwebs on the lampshades, a rich red punch in a proper bowl with frozen grape eyes to cool the drink. And your level of engagement should again meet the needs of the party. Remember to stay topical, but not of an inappropriate nature; talking about bewitching spirits is fun, talking about your dead Aunt Leslie’s grisly murder is not.

Are you still with me?  Wonderful.

I had my first Red Bull & vodka on the Adventure.

As you may recall, I had the Yappy Hour at the Blue Banana to host with about a dozen dogs and several dozen humans. So basically I needed to make sure I was properly prepped for my required level of engagement, if you catch my drift.

Last month’s first Yappy Hour was a great success with tons of dogs and their owners but, getting around to all of them was no easy feat. Big dogs and small dogs alike all needed a warm welcome and a belly rub while their owners needed their own welcome and some casual conversation.

By the end of the night, I was excited but exhausted. 2+ hours of heavy petting wore me out.

So this month, I was determined to be better prepared. And since this time around we extended the event by an hour, I really needed to up my hosting game.

I’m not going to lie, I’m calling this drink a “modern classic” to try and class it up a bit in my own head. I’m not suggesting that just because people like Jersey Shore celebrities, college frat boys and Midwestern cheerleaders pride this cocktail as their drink of choice I’m embarrassed to have had it—hell, I have a Pink Squirrel on my Adventures List—but I am suggesting it’s a very specific drink in pop culture.

It should also be noted that before this Adventure I’d never had alcohol, I’d also never had Red Bull. I’m hyper enough on my own, thank you very much. Why would I add fuel to a blazing forest fire of crazy?

[People who personally know me are quietly shaking their heads in agreement this very moment, I assure you.]

But you want to know what I thought of the taste don’t you? I want to first point out that when I asked Jamie, the owner of the Blue Banana for a Red Bull & vodka he looked me right in the eye with one brow raised and said “Reallii…. you know? Ok. No problem.”

I could literally see his brain go: What? No. Wait. Oh this might be good. Yeah, let’s do this. All in a 3 second span.

So quickly in fact, that he actually started searching for just the right glass knowing I was going to take one of my pictures. I was clearly pushing his amused button on this firstdrink choice.

Ok, look, it tastes like shitty cough syrup and vodka. There is no other way to put it. Back in college I remember reading this “cutting edge” article in the Daily Kent Stater about how drinking certain cough syrups to get high was sweeping the teenage nation. (Much like how doing the same with snorting bath salts or drinking Purell is today, I guess.)

I remember at the time thinking “Really? Those cough syrups?! They taste like shit. Maybe Dimetapp Grapevine won’t get you high but it’s delicious!”  Again, alcohol virgin here. I know.

Anyway, am I asserting that the general demographic that might find drinking Robitussin DXM to get high is the same people that might like Red Bull & vodka as their drink of choice? No. Of course not, no. I’m inferring. Its totally different.

Ok, so it’s a fairly simple drink. Outside of it’s cough syrup qualities, it’s sweet, tangy, had this mix of cherry/orange flavors but not in that more tasty fruit punch quality, sadly. The vodka was there, lending it’s ever-so-slight jet fuel flavor and alcohol smack.

It’s lightly carbonated and for the most part goes down pretty smooth. But I wouldn’t say I loved it by any measure. It was fine. But I didn’t keep holding the glass up to the light and saying, “Ahhhh, that’s some good shit.”

And it did help for the Yappy Hour, I might add. In fact, it had my heart rate up so high I was chasing my own tail too by the end of the night. I didn’t get drunk, but I was feeling at 110% Hummingbird-level, talking and petting, talking and petting.

That is until the crash came when I lost the energy to beg for treats and I wanted to spin and spin in circles until I finally curled up in a ball to go to sleep.

But no, I had a happy hour to run even if the last hour was a bit rough. So I guess that I get why people crush so many RBVs… yeah?! Right?! Did you see that?! The virgin is learning the lingo, am I right?!  For those of you who don’t know, I just impressed a certain level of my readers. You’re welcome.

And for the rest of you, don’t worry. I will never, ever have a Red Bull & vodka again. Promise. Now, a Red Bull & Jäger?  Well, I have to have a Jägerbomb on the Adventure, right? Of course I do.

Cheers, Ben


PS: Thank you, thank you to all the folks who were able to make it out to the Yappy Hour in April. The Blue Banana and I are planning for a whole summer of event around the Yappy Hour events supporting the Washington Animal Rescue League including a Christmas in July event. Be looking for details for those events coming your way soon!